When my oldest daughter, Delani, was four, Ben and I took her to check out the new playground at the local mall. After watching her energetically exploring the playground’s many colorful objects, the slide inside a tree, and turtles to climb on, it was obvious that she would have been happy to stay there all day.
When it was time to go, I asked Delani, “Do you want to leave in three minutes or five?”
Like any normal child who had just stumbled on a wonderland and had no intention of leaving, Delani replied with a loud, “No!”
“Delani, do you want to leave in three minutes or five minutes?” I repeated.
She simply looked at me, then ran back to the slide.
A few other parents were there witnessing this exchange, and I could feel that classic pressure rising as they anticipated my next move, the silent questions and judgments pointed at me. What’s she going to do? I know what I’d be doing!
Steeling myself, I stepped toward my daughter with “You choose or I choose” on the tip of my tongue. Just then, a mom beside me spoke up and said, “You got to say, ‘It’s my way or the highway!’ Then she’ll listen.”
The minute she said it, I realized that was basically what I was about to do. “You choose or I choose” is designed to give kids choices, but it can easily become, “You choose—and the only thing you get to choose is what I am choosing.” In other words, “My way or the highway.”
For the Love of Ultimatums
If you’re a parent, I’m willing to bet that you heard “My way or the highway”—or something similar—growing up, and that it has popped out of your mouth at some point. We all do it! In the inevitable battles of will that erupt between parents and children, it’s so tempting to grasp for ultimatums. How many times must we beg our children to move, pick up their backpack instead of just tossing it in the hallway, or just try the food on their plate? Why do they refuse to do the things that would just make our life that much simpler, sane, and happy? Why can’t they just do it our way?
At the same time, we need to recognize that ultimatums are blunt instruments that should only be applied in certain circumstances. They can’t be our go-to parenting tools. Why? Because their goal is control, not discipline.
Now, if my child is in danger, then control is a great goal to have. In the face of a threat, I want them to obey my will at whatever cost necessary. But when such a threat is not present, then control is no longer a great goal. (Yes, I know sometimes as a parent it can feel like there’s always some DEFCON 5 threat to our children’s lives, but the reality is that we can’t live there.)
Our goal must be to discipline our children toward the goal of being powerful, self-controlled adults who manage their freedom in the context of a safe, loving connection where they are motivated by love, not fear. And for that they need choices, not ultimatums.
Showing Our Hearts
As I walked toward my daughter on that playground, I took stock of the moment. Yes, we needed to leave and get other errands done, but these were not more important than giving Delani the chance to practice being powerful and learn that her actions have impact. This was also a chance for me show her that I wanted her to be moved by my heart and not by fear.
I knelt down beside Delani, looked into her eyes and said, “Hey sweet girl, Mommy said its time to go. When you yelled “No,” it hurt Mommy’s heart. I know you’re having fun and you want to stay, but we need to do some other things today. Do you want to leave in three minutes or five minutes, or do you need me to choose?”
This time, she looked at me with sad eyes, then said, “Okay Mommy. Five minutes, Mommy—five more minutes!”
This was the dream response for this situation. I almost couldn’t believe it worked! And I am 100% positive that if I had said “My way or the highway,” a loud chase scene would have ensued in the middle of the mall. Instead, we had a peaceful five more minutes of play before leaving—because I chose connection and empowerment over control.
Delani is now twelve—on the verge of stepping into that great journey of learning about freedom that is the teenage years. My best hope is that Ben and I have been preparing her for these years by spending almost her whole life in constant pursuit of the goal of connection with her. Have we lost track of this goal at times? Sure. But each time we have returned to the choice we made long ago—to create a free, safe, and powerful environment for our children to grow up in. We want powerful, connected kids, not compliant ones.
Parents, don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and keep them, no matter where that may be! Your consistency helps create safety, and that communicates love. But I encourage you to avoid ultimatums and keep showing your heart to your kids as you offer them choices. You’ve got this!
P.S. I will be speaking on parenting at all of our LOP Summits this year! Join us for a day of wisdom, laughter, and encouragement as we equip you to use the tools of connection with your kids. lopsummits.com.