The Myth of Falling in Love Busted – 5 Declarations of Chosen Love in Marriage

Danny Silk

Falling in love. The term is so widely used we may not have stopped to consider its implication that love just happens to us rather than it being a conscience choice. The truth is this:

You cannot make me love you.

I cannot make you love me.

The foundation of healthy relationship is the choice to love.

“I choose you.” This is the foundation of true, lasting relationships. It is the foundation for God’s relationship with you. As Jesus declared to His disciples, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you…” (John 15:16 NIV). Jesus chose you in the most difficult of circumstances. He chose you while you were in sin, while you were His enemy. His side of the relationship with you does not depend upon your choice, but entirely upon His choice. The question is whether or not you will learn to build your relationships with Him and others upon the foundation of your choice.

Following Jesus’ example of love, here are five declarations of chosen love within the context of marriage:

1. I will choose you first.

Making a choice to love within the context of marriage means we have selected one person out of many. When we make that choice, we have now decided to put that person first. Out of countless people, there is only one with whom we will share a lifelong covenant. “I choose you first” means making our spouse the priority of all human relationships we have.

2. I will choose you every day.

Every day is a new opportunity to love. Life can get busy and pass us by, but intentional love means making daily choices. Most of the choices may seem small, like leaving a little love note to start the day, or never going to sleep without saying, “I love you.” The goal is never to let “I love you” become a secret in your relationship.  Whatever is the best way to show love to your spouse, find those ways, and choose it every day.

3. I will choose you no matter your past mistakes.

Every person has made past mistakes prior to a marriage relationship, as well mistakes within the context of that relationship. Love is not dependent on perfect behavior. Love is chosen despite any previous behaviors. It does not mean allowing unhealthy behaviors or abuse to continue without repentance and restoration, but mistakes do not disqualify someone from love.

4. I will choose you even when I don’t feel like it.

At times, we all struggle with feeling affection for our spouse. Thankfully, love is a choice that does not depend on our feelings. Even in moments when we are feeling hurt, angry, or frustrated, we can still keep our love on by making the powerful choice to move toward our spouse, show respect and kindness, and seek resolution and reconnection.

5. I will choose you even when it is hard.

There is no perfect relationship or perfect love. Every relationship will have struggles and challenges. In fact, we should expect these, and allow them to shape us to become stronger and more resilient even in the toughest moments of disagreement. A foundation of love is to choose, even when it is hard.

Love is not always easy. It is full of challenges.

But remember…

“I choose you” will always strengthen the relationship.



PS) Do you have any questions about specific areas of relational intelligence? Let us know in the comments.

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    1. God would never ask you to stay in a physically abusive relationship. There can be restoration even in that if the abuser whole heartedly wants help to stop and really find out what the core issue is since the abuse is only a symptom of the core issue. Praying for you Malinda!

    2. i agree with jan, and having walked the same path as you, have found and heard from professionals that its almost impossible for abusers to change. sometimes the methods aimed at helping them change just makes them better abusers. much love and prayers, Cat xxx

  1. So if the wife gave up (wants divorce) because she’s been hurt too many times, should the husband still reach out to her (even she rejects all his effort)?

    1. I would say keep reaching out, not being pushy, but revealing your love and pursuit of her. Just as Christ has done for us. It will still be her choice to choose, but you have revealed your love and heart for her. Think about how many times we have rejected Christ’s love. He still loves and pursues us.

  2. If the wife wants divorce because she has been hurt too may times, then she is feeling unloved and has lost hope, which is why she may be rejecting your efforts. By continuing to still reach out and love, you are showing her unconditional love. There is such a power in loving unconditionally and I would think great hope in restoring this relationship if you can keep loving and not give up.

  3. what if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel in love with you, at least not all the time. And it’s like they’re waiting to get convinced they’re in love with you before they go ‘all in’ on the relationship? And they see that as a problem, and so the realtionship is in a stalemate?

  4. My question is: what is if the woman never sayed "Yes" in her heard to the husband because she felt she has had no choice.
    Let me explain: young girl meets young men, both are broken, have had bad childhood, come together. Girl only want to trie the love thing without having feelings for him, gets pregnant, want to leave the men. Gets pregnant again. Now she has 2 babys to care for. She feels very guilty and gets a lot of preasure from church people and the man to marry him. So she did, but feeling forced for it. Have had very unhappy, unhealthy marriage. Kids are nearly grown up. She began to listen and read things from Bethel. Discovers a lot how God is and what love can or should be.
    How can the woman choice her man every day when the First coices like having Sex and marry have "happened " to her without of her innerhalb "Yes".
    And now she thinks: It would be better to listen to the innerhalb "No" than let other people decide for you. When she had the Chance to live again she would do all other.
    She forgave her husband and the people. But still is unhappy in this marriage. She thinks divorce is against God’s will. And it’s her fault how she lives now.
    How can this woman say "Yes"? Now and every day?

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